How to Find Tranquility When Traveling With Kids

“Vacations can be very overwhelming for kids,” Dr. Becky tells me. They’re on a different schedule; sleeping in a new bed; trying new food; surrounded by new people, places, and sounds; and there are unexpected things happening all the time. “All of this change and constant stimulation can make kids feel out of control on the inside, which often leads to them acting out of control on the outside.” It’s important for parents to establish realistic expectations before their trip and remind one another that things won’t go exactly as planned. Choosing a mantra like, “There will be challenging moments AND we can cope” is a helpful tool for parents, empowering them to feel capable instead of disappointed when situations like tantrums inevitably arise.

Dr. Becky reports that many parents believe that big feelings create big reactions, but it’s actually the element of surprise, and being caught off-guard by their emotions, that causes a kid to have an outburst. She recommends rehearsing the situations that tend to trigger your kid ahead of time. This involves role-playing: “What if someone offers you a food that you don’t like — what should you say?” Your child might suggest something like, “That’s not my favorite” or “No, thank you,” and then you can encourage them by saying, “That’s a great idea!” “This is called preloading a response,” she says. When we prepare our kids for a situation ahead of time, and even equip them with a few talking points, they’re less likely to be surprised and react in a way that’ll leave you feeling embarrassed.

According to Dr. Becky, a parent's role is twofold: to uphold boundaries and practice empathy. “Boundaries are the decisions we make and the limits we set to keep our children safe. Empathy enables us to validate our kid's feelings even if we don’t agree with them or feel them ourselves.” Let’s say your flight is delayed and your kid, who has reached their limit for waiting at the airport, starts getting upset and kicking you. You might uphold a boundary by physically holding their foot and saying, “I’m not going to let you kick me,” and validate their feelings by adding, “I know you’re frustrated, but let’s find a way to get that frustration out in a different way.”

When a kid is anxious, Dr. Becky explains, “the three most important things you can do are: validate their feelings, assert your presence, and remind them that you believe in their ability to cope.” Let’s say your child is afraid of flying. You can begin by empathizing: “I hear you, you’re nervous and that makes sense because we haven’t flown in a while.” Instead of promising your child that it’ll be a smooth flight (which is often not the case), focus on the things you can control, like your presence. “Here’s what I know for sure: I will be with you the whole time and we’re going to get through this together.” Then remind your child that you believe in their resilience by stating, “Here’s something else I know for sure: This is hard and you are a kid who can do hard things.”

Dr. Becky is big on upholding boundaries and building resilience, but she is also very practical. “I am not doing my best ‘Good Inside’ parenting on vacation,” she admits. “If there’s an opportunity to get ice cream so my kid doesn’t have a meltdown because their brother doesn’t want to play frisbee with them, you better bet I’m going to do that. There will still be times when your kid throws a tantrum, and after holding a boundary and empathizing with them, you can remind yourself that this is challenging AND you can cope."

Our Contributors

Jenn Tardif - Writer

Jenn Tardif is the founder of the mindful collective 3rd Ritual, a certified aromatherapist, and a writer. A devout student of Taoism, yoga, and mindfulness, Tardif is a firm believer that wisdom lights the path to well-being, and has made a lifelong commitment to share the teachings with anyone curious enough to learn more.